Are you hard on yourself?

Does it come in the form of having high standards that you hold yourself to? And when something doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, you beat yourself up in the form of self-criticism, over-rumination and analyzing what you could have done better?

Being your worst critic can be a way of staying self-aware and also serve as a reminder to yourself to always strive for better.

In that way, it serves as motivation.

However, excessive self-criticism leads to behavioural inhibition. i.e. you might find yourself second-guessing yourself more and not willing to take risks or do something that will put yourself out that thereby avoiding making yourself “vulnerable” to criticism.

Self-criticism is also strongly correlated with a range of psychopathologies, such as depression, eating disorders and anxiety. (Source: ScienceDirect)

So what can you do the next time you find yourself being overly critical with yourself?

Put some distance between you and the emotionally-charged situation by naming the situation.

For example:

I am unhappy with the way I presented during the team meeting.

Add another layer of distance by saying…

I notice I am unhappy with the way I presented during the team meeting.

Name the story you’re in.

Assumption and belief:

You believe that your presentation style is the reason why some team members were not fully paying attention. And that made you question your presentation style, thus in turn making you unhappy.

You believe that when you present, everyone should listen.

This is the “Everyone should listen to me when I talk” story.

Question the story in a impersonal way

Ask yourself why should “Everyone should listen to me when I talk”?

Ask yourself if it is reasonable to assume that?

Ask yourself if there are other factors / variables aside from your presentation style that might divert their attention away from you speaking?

All these are meant to remove you from the situation and to avoid attributing the blame to yourself.

It makes the situation less about you.

Thereby, making the criticism less personal.

Taking this impersonal view, also makes you aware of how you speak to yourself.

I endeavour you to ask yourself why the same courtesy you usually extend to strangers and acquaintances isn’t extended to yourself?

If you can be pleasant, polite and compassionate to strangers, why not yourself?

It begs the question, what is the purpose of being hard on yourself?

Do you believe it is a way for you to not repeat the same “mistakes”? Or is it a mechanism for you to over-ruminate over a past event?

If it is to strive for success and perfection, then I suggest you reevaluate your definition of success if you require negative self-talk to get yourself there.

It’s not about being delusional to your perceived faults.

Rather, you can be self-aware and learn from the event without having to resort to negative self-judgement which leads to side effects like lower self-esteem, social anxiety, anger, aggression and reclusion.

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