Passive-aggressive is a descriptive term that is loosely and freely thrown around these days to label unwelcome behaviours.

While the term looks deceptively straightforward to understand, it can be misused. 

Here are some ways to identify if you are dealing with passive aggressive gestures:
(Sources: WebMD, PsychologyToday, CNBC)

1. Is the person’s nonverbal behaviour in sync with the message they’re delivering? 
   • For example, they may be saying one thing, but it’s clear from the tone of voice, inflection or volume of speech that they’re upset
     • It could look like them saying “I’m ok”, but looking visibly tense and irritated
   • An example that could be misconstrued as passive-aggressive:
     • A person who says ok to something, just to be easy going but changes their mind
     • If they do not have any hostile or negative emotion attached to their message (verbal and non-verbal) AND they are NOT using their “OK”‘ as a guise for something else they meant, then…
     • They simply may be unsure in that moment of speech and may not be passive-aggressive but you may be annoyed with the inability to make a decision
2. Is the person’s message direct or masked under another layer of communication?
   • For example, your colleague reminding you about a task deliverable while bringing up the last time when you barely made the task deadline
     • A more direct way would be to tell you to submit the deliverable on time
   • An example that could be misconstrued as passive-aggressive:
     • A colleague reminding you that you may have to get started on the deliverable sooner rather than later due to your current workload
       • That may sound like a nag, which feels negative to you but objectively, that sounds like an assertive and fair statement

If you are still not sure if you just encountered a passive-aggressive gesture, ask yourself:

1. Do you have beef with this person? (i.e. have you had less than positive encounters with this person?)
   • If you do, their communication with you may be tainted by those past negative encounters with you.
2. Is this person conflict-avoidant? 
   • Someone who avoids conflict may not have the capacity to openly address what is bothering them
3. Is this person a direct communicator? (or is it hard for them to get to the point?)
   • Upbringing, past experiences and self-expression are all factors that influence one’s communication style.
   • For example, people who have been brought up to “Always be polite” may find it hard to bring up bad news, less than positive comments but can’t help their negative emotions which may result in passive-aggressive behaviour and speech

Would you like every message spoken and written by you to be effective but still reflect your personality? If you would like to learn to be a more effective communicator at work, let’s chat more. You can read about what I do here.

You can read more posts on relating to people here.